12. There is something about Maragadhavalli alias Mary

"Macha. I lou you man"
"Me too man, me too"
"You mean you lou yourself. Selfish fellow"
"And others apart from you as well"

***********

"Don't you wonder what it feels like, to fall in love with someone; to throw caution to the wind"
"...and pledge affection and commitment with reckless abandon?"
"Look around you! People are diving in headfirst, and all you can do is gingerly put your toes in the water"
"Maybe I am better off dry!"
"Then you don't have the right to whine and complain about dry spells!"

*********

Tell me this, boys, aren't you supposed to be the sex that is freaked out by exclusivity and commitment? Aren't you supposed to want to play the field? Then why does every boy I want to date want me to fall in louwes with him? And in louwes only with him? It didn't used to be like this, boys. Is it because you have grown older now? Do you have some kind of biological clock that is ticking away that we don't know about? Is this what I get for asking gender stereotypes to be broken? Is this what too many Disney movies with extraspecialeffects does to people?

While I try to get to the bottom of this, if anyone of you tells me about soulmates, I will egg your face. If you want to talk about solemates (the shoe sole kinds, not the "you are my wunnandwunly; my sole mate" kind. I don't want to talk about the latter) or molemates (the macham kind, not the vermin kind. Although, I don't mind talking about the latter) on the other hand... grab a chair!

11. Tomboy. Because it's so much easier.

Me and the roommate went shopping this week. You know, some girl- girl bonding. Seeing as she's leaving and all. We went to those stores where we would spend evenings and money. And to those stores where we wanted to spend evenings and time, but not money. Which include clothing stores (but ofcourse.) You see, the roommate, unlike me,is a regular, normal girl. By which I mean, she is not a tomboy. So she buys pretty girl clothes. And for some strange reason, I think I wanted to be girl pretty for a while too. I suppose I wanted to "attract" boys. But you know, I've had a fair share of boys by just being me, and those are the kind of boys I like anyway. Boys who like girl-girls are weird. Anyway, point being, I have girl clothes now. Dresses. And skirts. They're pretty. I put them on and plopped on my couch and ate cheese sticks while watching America's Next Top Model. It made me feel like I did when I was a kid and amma would dress me in a sari and I would pretend to be a mami making dosai (except for the America's Next Top Model part, of course). I wondered why I hadn't tried this before.

So. These girl clothes. They have pink on them. And frills. And flowers. And no sleeves. I realized, right the day I put on this one summery dress (Yes. I used the word "summery". As an adjective. For clothes. You have to do things like that when you put on a dress. It's in the contract.) that the reason I stuck to pants and boy t-shirts was this: they are just so much lesser work. There is just so many things you have to do to properly pull off a girl outfit.

First, those things vary widely with occasion. Until now, I had two types of clothes: regular clothes - consisting of pants and whatever shirt I happened to be able to get my hands on; and formals- pants and a clean, pressed, button down shirt. But these girl clothes? They are different for being "professional", "formal (during the day)", "formal (in the evening)", "formal (at dinner and later)", "formal(at a party)", "party", "evening", "shopping", "coffee" and all other sundry events/beverages/random-english-words-that-have-no-business-being-an-adjective-for-clothes. (Seriously- cocktail "dress"? Cocktails are drinks, people. Make sense.) So you need that many different kinds of girl clothes.

Second, apart from the clothes themselves being pricey, there are companion spendings also required. For starters, the girl clothes have no pockets. I'm a pocket person. Every time I have to leave the house, I pat my sides to check if I have my wallet, id, phone and keys in my pockets. I literally count "1,2,3,4" in my head, and I'm out. No bags. Definitely no purses. I don't even own a purse. So this day, when I'm out in this 'summery' dress, I had to carry these in my hand. But I realized, half an hour after I had left home, that I didn't have my phone with me. And I came to terms with the fact that if I need to wear girl clothes, I will need to have a purse. Additional expense #1.This is when the roommate asks me "Are you going to get just one? If you're not going to buy more than one, you should get something that is neutral". So there. Not just purse. Purses. More spending. Then I find out that all this extra fitting doesn't stop with a purse. You need to accessorize. Shoes. I own a pair of sneakers, a pair of running shoes, a pair of leather slip ons, a pair of beach sandals and this one pair of black slippers. I think that's already too many shoes to have. But it turns out that only the slippers "can be worn with a dress, and even that, just barely". I need to buy girl shoes to go with the girl clothes. Earrings. Necklaces. Watches. All girl type things. And all expensive.

But the worst of it all, is the fact that these clothes stop at the knees.Or just below the knees. Or waay above the knees (In the last case, you can't even sit down. Unless you're wearing tights underneath the clothes. Or, in my case, bicycle shorts. I'm not spending anymore.). You know what that means right? (Queasy type boys, you might want to look away. I'm going to actually say it, out here, out loud. You have been warned) You have to constantly shave your legs. Or savagely pull out hairs from the roots. Or burn them away with nasty smelling goop. Everyday. Every week. Every month. More time, more money. More bending, more spending. Foul stenches. Razor nicks.Gaaah!

I am done trying to be girl pretty. I have the clothes. I will wear them with earrings and high heels, put on a flowery apron and walk around the kitchen flipping pancakes, singing '50s Hollywood songs and generally being Donna Reed. Or when I'm trying to get some boy's attention. But otherwise, I'm happy in my styleless tomboy clothes. Boys, next time a girl takes forever to get ready, give her the time.Trust me. take my word for it. It's not easy. And girl-girls, I have a new found respect for you. Or a newfound disdain. I'm not sure which, yet.

10.

"I realized.. I want a house husband. I hate housework, and I love my job. S..o, I want a house husband and I will demand dowry."

"you need a sex change operation, don't you?"

"no.. I'm just a guy who's very comfortable in a girl's body. I love my girl body..."

"So you just need to find your opposite. Right"

"Yes, a girl's mind in a guy's body. Preferably a nice, hot body. That's all I need to find, and I'm set for life"

"Craigslist!! Look for it on Craigslist!"

9. Falling

Ok, so it's been forever since I saw vodka. First I went away on vacation, then he was posted somewhere else, then he didn't have money, and now I don't have time.

Now, I've been very honest with myself about him - I have very little in common with him, except for our mutual attraction for each other. I don't see a future with him, and I'm sure he sees none with me. We're in it just for the moment. But still, how can the boy be your toy if he's not around to enjoy? If you're employed and he's deployed all the way over in Illinois? Ok, so he's not really in Illinois, and even if he was, he wouldn't technically be "deployed"... I was just going with the drift. You know that, right? Right.

It has always been easy for me to fall in love. Ok, by "love" I don't mean "we have a future together, let's get married and be filmy" love. By "love", I mean "at this instant, all I can think of is you; and it has been so on many instances for the past few days/weeks" You all call it infatuation, a crush. But seeing as I'm incapable of believing in the former kind of love, this will just have to do. I don't believe in "falling in love" the way most people do, but I do fall in love. Almost all the time. I also believe in falling out of love. Which is what I think will happen with vodka if I don't turn up at his door soon. I may not have a future with him, but the past I've had with him is swoon worthy, and I believe in milking out every sigh, every drool, every meltage and every "hamuna, hamuna, hamuna" from every relationship. Those are my principles and I stand by them.

I have time till next month to see vodka and be swept off my feet, and for the interim, are any of you boys ready to make my heart flutter?

8. Kannan

"Ayyo, you don't know. I totally urugified. Not because of the heat. His craning neck and dancing eyebrows meltigrated me to a rippling puddle."

"Again?! Onakku eppovume ithe thana di pozhappu?"

"Arrey no di, when I get my head out of the clouds and put my feet on the ground, I am sane enough to realize we are miles apart. Literally and figuratively. Enakkum avanukkum sammanthame illa. He is nattaikurinji. I am naatu sarakku. He spends his life quoting Wodehouse and Woody Allen. And I spend my life trying to come up with wisecracks of my own. He is sangeetha methai, I am gyaanasooniyam. Engayaavathu othu poguma? Plus he is the really artsy fartsy type di. Writing novellas enna, taking photographs enna"

"So what di? If he is classical symphony, you are steel drums."

"But what if, one of these days, he plays me some raagam, special; signifying  love or romance or something? I wouldn't even know. It would be totally wasted on me. His knowledge, his genius.. I won't even be able to appreciate it"

"Appreciate it, you will.. you only won't recogonize it. That is his problem. Avanukku venumna let him teach you. Plus sangeetha gyaanam and all is phooey. "Isaiya anubavikkanum, aaraya koodaathu". You only say, no?"

"Seri, leave that. Still, there is the question of the years, the distance. Plus I'm already busy with work di. There's so much I have to do, I won't even have time for this now, and with passing time, it will fade away... I don't know di. I think I will sober up, get real, and leave this all behind, along with the clothes and the jewellery; with the others hoping that I will come back for them one day."

"Yes di. Don't bring along excess baggage, you end up paying a heavy price for it"

 "Kindalukku korachale illa! ... In the end, I am going to become one of those old ladies with the cats, you just wait and watch"

"What rubbish di! Enakkoru vodka maari onakkoru wine cooler maata maattaana?"

"Ei po di. I was looking for Allepy toddy, and you're giving me alpam wine cooler"